I'm sorry, Keith
by BlairingRayne
Summary: "Please stop cutting yourself," Keith asked, desperately gripping onto the wrist of my hand that still held the stained box cutter. Warnings: Depression, Implied Suicide, Self-harm! You have been warned! Langst, Klangst, Oneshot, etc.


Hello everyone! BlairingRayne here!

I would really appreciate it if you commented and gave me feedback on how I did. It would really mean a lot to me, so tell me any comments, questions, concerns, etc. that you may have on my work!

I wanted to write something happy for the first story, but this came out instead...

I suppose this is an AU where Lance is a singer (I dunno why, just go with it).

Welp, nothing I can do about now! Just enjoy!

* * *

"Please stop cutting yourself," Keith asked, desperately gripping onto the wrist of my hand that still held the stained box cutter.  
Tear stained eyes reflecting tears stained eyes, I replied.  
Relief and joy tugged his lips upwards with a small exhale.

The first few weeks were difficult. When I decided to stop cutting, the voices came back. The voices that had always screamed hateful things in my mind. Normally, a simple cut on my wrist would help alleviate the pain of their words, but now I couldn't do that.  
At first, I didn't really know how to deal with them. All I wanted to do was pick up a knife and lay waste to my wrist to get them to stop.  
But I couldn't do that!  
Keith was counting on me after all! I couldn't let him down.

Relief form the voices finally came when Keith was around. Whenever he held me in his arms, the voices would disappear and I would be flooded by Keith's warmth. Wrapped within his arms, I finally felt safe and cared for.  
However, Keith couldn't always be by side; we both had work and were very busy. But even so, he always tried to be there for me when I needed it.  
My other friends also helped as well. The day after Keith found out, Shiro, Hunk, and Pidge rushed to my side and asked if I was alright. So I supposed, he must have told them. My friends would also be there for me, especially if Keith couldn't be there with me. Although the voices wouldn't completely disappear, when they were around, I still felt more at ease.

But when I was home alone at night, I could feel the voices come back to drown me in their words. It was agony.  
"You're worthless"  
"You're ugly"  
"You're just a nuisance"  
"No one cares about you"  
"You only bother everyone around you"  
"They just pretend to be your friends"  
"You only annoy them"  
"You're pathetic"  
"You only cause problems"  
 _"Just kill yourself already"_

There was also the nightmares. Almost every night, the voices would come into my dreams, torturing me with their voices. Sometimes they would take the forms of my friends as they mercilessly tormented me with their hateful remarks. Sometimes I would have dreams of the people I love leaving me, telling me they didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Sometimes I would have dreams of going back to cutting and Keith's disappointment in me when he saw the angry red lines on my wrists.  
Every time, I would wake up crying and end up calling Keith. I knew I was bothering him by waking him up at ungodly hours of the morning, but I needed to hear his voice. I need his comforting voice to wipe away the darkness clouding my mind.  
Every time, Keith would pick up and talk to me. No matter what time it was, he would always respond and comfort me. No matter how long it took, he would stay on the line and be there for me.

Keith always made me feel better.

But the voices never went away. The moment Keith left, even if it was something as simple as a restroom break, the voices would reappear again. They would whisper negative things in my ears like:  
"He's going to leave"  
"One day he'll get bored of you"  
"You're just a bother to him"  
"You're dragging him down with your worthlessness"  
"You don't deserve Keith"  
More often than not, I would be sobbing by the time Keith came back. When that happened, Keith would instantly rush to my side and try to comfort me. Placing waves of kisses all across my face. Gently wiping away the tears falling from my eyes. Saying soothing things to cover up what the voices would tell me.

But there were days where I was forced to stay in bed as the voices screamed in my mind. Those days I could only lay writhing in my bed, clawing at the sides of my skull as the voices tortured me endlessly. Those days I couldn't even call Keith.

I tried pouring out my agony into music, covering and composing songs that allowed me to scream the pain that I was being forced to endure. That allowed the voices to scream and me to scream with them. At the beginning, it worked; when I sang, the darkness that clung to me would leave and enter into my music to let me temporary relief from their agonizing clutches.  
But as time went on, the voices became harder and harder to sedate, even as my songs became darker and darker.

Soon I was once again drowning in the voices' unbearable words.

Slowly yet so suddenly, the voices became overwhelming. No matter what I was doing, no matter who I was with, the voices would never leave. They would endlessly torture me with their words. Even when I was with Keith the voices still screamed loudly in my mind.  
Everything hurt.  
I cried myself to sleep every night as the voices became too loud to suppress. But even in my dreams, I was not free. The nightmares were worse than ever. In my dreams Keith would yell at me, telling me all the horrible things that the voices said. When I called him afterwards, instead of his normally comforting voice, all I could hear was the awful things he told me in my dreams.

I was in agony.  
Nothing was helping me.  
I'm sorry, Keith.  
The voices were controlling me.  
I didn't know what to do.  
I'm sorry, Keith.  
I was in too much pain.  
I'm so sorry, Keith.  
Everything hurt.  
I'm so sorry, Keith.  
I couldn't take in anymore.  
I'm sorry, Keith.

 _I'm sorry you had to find my body._

* * *

Welp... that was depressing...

I didn't mean to make my first story on the sight a sad one...

Anyway, thank you so much for reading this. And if you left a comment, thank you even more.

Oh, and lastly:

You are filled with determination


End file.
